Of Course Matt Damon Isn’t Dead, You Idiots

Of Course Matt Damon Isn’t Dead, You Idiots: "

You may have read that Matt Damon died recently during a hunt for lost Mexican gold in the desert. Well, guess what?

He didn’t. Matt Damon is still alive. It’s shocking, we know. All the parts of the story seemed to add up – Matt Damon does look like the sort of person who’ll eventually end up dying, and his thirst for perilous Indiana Jones-style archaeological adventures is what people love him best for – but it was all a lie.

In fact, instead of dying in horrible circumstances, Matt Damon went to Italy. So at least the rumours were close.

It used to be that you weren’t anyone in Hollywood unless you had an impractically large entourage. And then it used to be that you weren’t anyone in Hollywood unless your face had been injected with whatever poison happens to make you most closely resemble a gender-nonspecific shop mannequin that appears to be constantly appalled by a vaguely noxious smell. And now you’re not anyone in Hollywood unless someone has created a spurious internet death hoax about you.

And if that’s the case, it’s time to welcome Matt Damon into the big boy’s club. That’s right – following the wildly successful Jeff Goldblum and Britney Spears internet death hoaxes, Matt Damon yesterday became the latest celebrity to shock about six idiots on the internet for less than a minute after it was reported that he’d died.

It didn’t take long for the reports to spread across the internet, though, and that’s probably for two reasons. First, the reports had a definite ring of truth about them. Here’s how trustworthy news source A Pakistan News broke the news:

According to TMZ’s web site, Damon, who was officially reported missing Friday, was on a camping trip. His body was found by an Imperial County Sheriff’s Department deputy on Wednesday. The cause of death is unknown… On his personal blog, Damon wrote last month he was going to the desert because of his friends talking about “treasure hunting and lost gold, and my own insatiable appetite for adventure and exploration.”

Incidentally, the A Pakistan News story is so convincing that – and this is completely true – it prints a statement from Matt Damon’s manager where he briefly stops mourning his client to recite the theme-tune to the Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air. It’s what any of us would do in his position.

So, yeah, that’s the first reason why so many people bought the rumour of Matt Damon dying. The second reason is that everyone on the internet is an idiot.

But let’s focus on the good news. Matt Damon isn’t dead – he’s just in Italy promoting a new movie. And, speaking personally, we’re thrilled that Matt Damon is still in the land of the living. Because if Matt Damon dies, the prospect of there ever being a Stuck On You 2 dies with him. And sometimes that’s the only thing that bloody well keeps us going.