Everyone loves a sequel, and everyone else loves a remake.
After all, why should you have to get to know confusing new characters and unfamiliar situations when what you really want is a temporary lobotomy to shield you from the trials and banalities of actual life? It’s far more comforting to see a slightly different version of something you already know about, like the recent TRANSFORMERS 2: HELL YES and STAR TREK: BUT FASTER.
With that in mind, I’ve come up with a list of films for you to watch next summer while you sink into your air conditioned seat, overdosing on Minstrels. I hereby proudly present my Top Twelve Non-Existent Sequels…
1. PORCUPINES ON A HOT AIR BALLOON – After the underwhelming Bees In A Car, Samuel L Jackson teams up with ‘hilarious’ ‘actor’ Martin Lawrence to deliver the final instalment of the animals-in-vehicles trilogy in a movie event that can only be described as ‘awesome’.
Martin Lawrence wants to get these monkey-fightin' porcupines off this Monday-to-Friday hot air balloon.
2. REMIND ME AGAIN WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER – Jennifer ‘Love’ Hewitt and Freddie ‘Prinz’ Junior receive threatening phone calls from an old man who can’t remember why he is trying to kill them with a hook. So scary you will literally shit yourself.
She's happy because she's forgotten about the hook.
3. MY NEW BEST FRIEND’S BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING AND A FUNERAL – Martin Freeman navigates a series of awkward parties, fumbling his way through faux pas after faux pas until he dies of food poisoning and has to be cremated. Contains awkward nudity.
..and a funeral
4. THURSDAY THE 12th PART NONE - Horror prequel in which a group of young friends packs to go on holiday, with a nagging sensation that they’re forgetting something. Contains bad decisions and extreme violence.
Young Jason
5. BATMAN BEGUINES - Bruce Wayne must win a ballroom dancing contest to prevent clown shaped villains from taking over the town hall with their clown shaped knives and guns.
6. DIE HARD ZERO – Rookie cop John McClane (probably played by Shia LaBeouf) busts heads on the streets of New York City while his wife grows ever more disillusioned and drops hints that she might one day think about moving to L.A.
Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker
7. TERMINATOR 5: SOFT TARGETS – a robot carefully designed to look like an old Arnold Schwarzenegger travels back to Victorian times to kick John Connor’s great-grandfather in the nuts. Contains mild peril, and kicks in the nuts.
I need your clothes, your boots, and your penny farthing
8. MATRIX: REMORTGAGES – an old man sits in a white room, painstakingly describing the other Matrix films to Keanu Reeves. Contains padding.
He totally gets it
9. INDIANA JONES AND THE EPISODE OF THE CRYSTAL MAZE – Indy, young Indy, old Indy, and the shadow of a former Indy, explore four challenge zones, completing basic tasks to collect crystals, while Richard O’Brien plays the harmonica sarcastically.
Turns out it's an alien spaceship. Seriously.
10. MAD MAX: THE PASSION OF THE MAX – Mel Gibson directs and stars in this action redux. Contains unsettling graphic scenes of genuine masturbation.
Almost... there...
11. ALIEN VERSUS KEVIN: LOST IN NEW SPACE – Hilarity ensues as Macauley Culkin rigs up a collection of tar-and-feather style booby traps in an abandoned spaceship, during a violent alien onslaught.
Tee hee! It's gonna get hit by a bucket of paint!
12. AUSTIN POWERS: A QUANTUM OF BOLLOCKS – Mike Myers fantasises about the 1960s in a Scottish accent.
Dr Evil
There. Hollywood can have those ideas for free. All I ask for is a 5% cut of Minstrel sales and an advanced copy of the special edition DVDs. Apart from the Mad Max one.
This was a guest post by Jimi Odell from Blogtired, and he’s pretty much Captain Brilliant as far as we’re concerned.
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