David Copperfield ‘Extorted’ By Non-Magical Rape Claims: "
There is a woman who claims she was raped by David Copperfield.
And although this is a very serious allegation, we heard she’s not 100% sure as he did so with an invisible penis. Obviously the magician is claiming the whole of this absurd as he probably has a wand that can magically make the necessary female anatomical parts appear on anything at any time. Like trees, for instance.
He also claims the would-be victim is up to a trick of her own – an extortion trick.
It’s been almost two years or something since we last heard of the David Copperfield sexual assault case. He owns a private island, you see, and he flew some young girl out there for an all around nice time. They jet skied, they swam, and then he probably showed her the exact spot where he found the fountain of youth. She says that while the two were alone on the island – well that’s when Dave’s hat tricks took a more sinister turn. When she tried to run, the cutest rabbits kept popping out of everything she touched.
E! News will tell you what’s really going down:
“Two years ago, a 21-year-old woman claimed, she met the illusionist at a show. One thing led to another and she wound up on Copperfield’s $50 million private Bahamian retreat. That much they agree on. But only that. The woman claimed she was then assaulted and raped by Copperfield and has now, more than two years later, filed suit against the magician, who so adamantly denies the allegation that he not only released a statement defending himself but set up his own innocence-proclaiming website.”
The website, we’re told, has plenty of pictures of David Copperfield not raping anybody, and a statement like this:
“This woman, who filed the lawsuit, has a history of lying. She has lied to law enforcement before and, as a result, had innocent people arrested based on a false accusation. She bragged to one of her closest friends that she could make up allegations against a guy to “take a guy down” if she wanted to. She said this before she even met Mr. Copperfield. Witness after witness who know her personally say she is incapable of telling the truth.
“Her pattern of lying continues in this lawsuit. The facts are that there were more than twenty women and men on the island during her visit. The allegation that there was no one on the island to help her – even if she needed help – is preposterous.”
Having just visited the website, we’re distressed to tell you there actually are no pictures of David Copperfield not raping anybody. As this possibly implies guilt of a sort, we’d appreciate it if one of you would pass our findings on to the proper authorities.
And please, leave our names out of it.
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